or “How I became a Zen Master”
In my teens, I picked up a guitar. It came naturally to me, growing up with my 60’s mom and the Beatles as a musical backdrop to my childhood. I thought for sure that I’d grow up to be a rock star, grooving out in front of the mirror thinking about how cool it would be to have that one hit record.
In my twenties, I was in and out of several rock and roll bands. After all, I found a place to really “zone-out.” Yeah, it was cool. I thought I’d end up with a hip groupie girlfriend and my life would just be perfect.
It didn’t take long before I realized that there were guys out there a whole lot better than me, given that it took me years to master three chords. I actually entertained a fourth and fifth chord after a while, and had a complete repertoire of “boy meets girl then hearts get crushed” songs.
Then I thought for a while that maybe I was in the “wrong art.” Those skinny guys with thick framed glasses and the black t-shirts at the museums and art galleries were getting all of the chicks because they were “artists.” What was going on here? It didn’t take any real talent to claim you were “abstract” or “modern.”
In my thirties, I was living in a house that had a bunch of rocks in the back yard. I sat outside staring at those rocks a lot, doing some visioning, releasing and some centering and grounding. I played out a lot of my dysfunctions and old patterns, and finally came to a place of truth.
I moved those rocks all over the place, and stared at them even harder.
Anyway, I realized I couldn’t paint a doorknob to save my life, so I just stuck with songwriting.
Well, after a few years of that, I was at this wine tasting party hosted by a group of self-professed “cork dorks.” This really cool Goth chick was sitting next to me and her wine glass was empty, so I offered to get her another one, except that I said something about how the empty glass looked so perfect just as it was. She said “Wow, that’s so Zen.”
Hey now! Zen? What the fuck was that?
But I didn’t want to tell her that I didn’t know what she was talking about, because maybe she’d figure out that I didn’t know much about anything, and then from out of nowhere, she started asking me all of these really hard questions, like “Who do you think you are?” and “Where the hell are you going with your life?” etc. So, I excused myself, and got the fuck outta there!
I went to the library, and read up on this Zen thing. I read all the books I could get my hands on. This clearing of the mind and becoming one with the universe really worked for me. Turns out, I’d been doing it all along by staring at those rocks in the back yard. And so I got rid of all of my furniture, and began sleeping on the floor with some folded up blankets. I meditated all of the time. I mean, you might call it “going home for my lunch hour from work and taking a nap on the couch” when it was really a daily meditation of just “Being.”
Well, it was a few months later, and I saw that Goth girl again at some ritzy shopping plaza. We had some ice cream and chatted for a bit. I showed her some of my breathing techniques, and I told her about how reality was just an illusion, and that material possessions were in the way on the path to the ultimate truth.
It turned out that she ended up marrying some corporate jerk with a BMW who bought her some Channel earrings with his Platinum card during some secret jaunt to Vegas on the company dime. Turns out, she was after his money. And so I figured, what’s the point?
That was so not Zen!
Well, I started going to these Yoga classes, and after awhile, I realized that I was the only guy in a room full of girls! They were all really into my breathing techniques and the story about myrocks.
So then, these chicks who are into tattoos, crystals and “Angel Cards” gave me their phone number, and ever since then
I’ve had a full calendar! I scored big time with this Zen stuff!
Zen has really worked for me. But don’t you even think about getting into it half-assed. This is some really serious shit. It takes dedication and lots of discipline. Not everyone can do it. You have to have a natural talent, like me.
- Why Optical Illusions are the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread – October 10, 2017
- Photo/Video Gallery Examples – October 10, 2017
- Songs by Me – October 10, 2017
- Just Stop this Bickering About Columbus Day: – October 10, 2017
- Secret of Long Life: Stay Putrid & Isolated – October 10, 2017
- Charlie Chaplin and The Great Dictator Speech – October 10, 2017
- Were the Master Renaissance Painter’s Using a Secret Trick? – October 10, 2017
- Ancients Thought that the Human Heart was actually the “Brains” – October 10, 2017
- Where Fish Raining from the Sky is an Annual Event – October 10, 2017
- Altamont Music Festival 1969: When the One Eyed Man was King in the Country of the Blind – October 9, 2017